Style Conversational: You’ll have to wait 5 weeks for one of these guys. But you can help plan the Week 1139 Style Invitational contest. If you’ve won an Inkin’ Memorial but never an Inker, you might want one of these regifted guys if you win again. (I’ll send a new headbag for you to glue together.) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // August 6, 2015 Because I’m going to be in Italy from Aug. 30 to Sept. 8, I need to have the Sept. 6 (online Sept. 3, I hope) Style Invitational done in advance, so that someone just has to click on “Publish.” (The last two times I was on vacation the day the Invite was supposed to post — in California in June 2013 and in England in April 2014 — this did not exactly work. But this time, copy chief/Invite fan Courtney Rukan is going to have my back.) Anyway, this means I have to have a new contest totally prepared before I leave (preferably a week before that), and because there won’t be a full set of results that week (since there’s no new contest this week ), I’ll have room to put up a contest that takes some space to describe. And ta-da! Loser Bruce Carlson wrote to me just the other day to suggest that we rerun one of the Invite’s most unusual contests, dating back to 2000, in honor of the upcoming 64th birthday of the Czar. It was called When We’re LXIV, because there were 64 possible challenges you could take up. This is what the original (Week 348, aka Week XV) put forth: /*Formats:* 1. Write a short poem about . . . 2. Write an analogy or metaphor related to . . . 3. Design a slogan or aphorism involving . . . 4. Write a funny sentence beginning with “Did you ever wonder why . . .” with respect to . . ./ /*Subjects:* A. An undergarment B. NAFTA and its relationship to pending minimum-wage legislation C. A household appliance D. A 19th-century event/ /*Limitations:* (i) that is written in the style of a famous author. (ii) that contains an unfortunate factual error. (iii) that would absolutely enrage Marisleysis Gonzalez. (iv) that employs a clever double-entendre./ /This Week’s Contest was suggested by Russ Beland of Springfield. It is really 64 contests in one, because there are 64 ways to win. You have to fashion an entry by selecting one from each menu group above. For example, the following takes the path 1-C-(iv): Toast should be made like lovin’/ Not half-baked, but aroused, I find/ So I use no toaster oven/ I prefer the pop-up kind. Make sure you indicate the path you took./ -------- I think it’s a great idea to do this contest again, but of course we would want all new subjects, some new limitations, and perhaps a new format or two. So how about if I choose among Losers’ suggestions? You won’t know until the contest is published which ones I choose, so you can’t get a head start before Sept. 3. I’ve already postedthis invitation in the Facebook group Style Invitational Devotees , and you could also suggest elements right here in the comments thread of the Conversational — after all, that was what the Conversational was created for; what happened was that back then in 2009, The Post’s technology and formats were terrible, and we finally resorted to the Facebook group for interacting (Facebook is still better , but not by as wide a margin). Or you could e-mail me your suggestions at pat.myers@washpost.com. I’ll credit you in some way, but probably not connecting you to your specific suggestion. (Unless a bunch of people suggested the same thing you did.) AdChoices ADVERTISING Footnote: The Czar’s 64th birthday, for all those interested in paying homage (I know there always are because people keep asking me), occurs around the time the results of this contest would run. Even more of a footnote: Marisleysis Gonzalez is Elian’s cousin who served as his mother figure during his stay in Miami. The top winners (there weren’t many overall) of the first contest: *Second Runner-Up:* /(A short poem about an undergarment, in the style of a famous author, Allen Ginsberg)/ I saw the best buns of my generation clad in bikini-cut briefs. High-hanging models gaunt-cheeked staring from bulimiaed pages of Victoria’s Secret, whose readers intoned impossible pantyhosannas. Who flipped through hip images juxtaposed in slick IPO capitalist layouts, flipping through a dark satin underworld S/M/L/XL, flipping backward and forward mumbling incantations of papercut delirium, a doomed hollow-eyed joyride endlessly seeking out London and France. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.) *First Runner-Up/: / * /(An analogy related to a household appliance that contains an unfortunate factual error)/ The vacuum cleaner is the FBI agent of appliances. Its job is to track down, suck up and bag the dirt of society. Then, just like its inventor, J. Edgar Hoover, it spends its off-duty time in the closet. (Susan Reese, Arlington, Va.) *And the winner of the buck grunt call:// * /(A short poem about NAFTA and its relationship to pending minimum- wage legislation in the style of Dr. Seuss, that also contains an analogy, an aphorism and a sentence beginning with “Did you ever wonder why,” as well as references to an undergarment, a household appliance and a 19th-century event, while committing an unfortunate factual error, executing a clever double-entendre and including a statement that would absolutely enrage Marisleysis Gonzalez)/ Did you ever wonder why The lowest wage is not so high? It’s the fault of Uncle Sam. Am I angry, Sam? I am! It started very long ago With a man named James Monroe Who made us one with other lands --With peons and their outstretched hands. James began the paycheck-steal. An act of Congress nailed the deal. And sired the monster that is NAFTA. (Can’t you hear the Mexicans’ lafta?) And now that the populace panics and panics We bring in bureaucrat budget mechanics! The boys in the press give this barely a mention As one Cuban brat distracts their attention. And now our poor wages NAFTA will gnaw, Which just goes to prove that clever old saw: “Government’s like a bad laundry machine: It goes round and round, yet our undies ain’t clean.” (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio) Mike Elliott, alas, was last heard from in Week 594, barely into the Empress’s reign, escaping with a mere 13 blots of ink — but two were first prizes and one was a second. Armed Farces*: The results of Week 1132 /*A non-inking entry by Stephen Dudzik and I think several others. / I’ve pretty much learned not to panic while judging, and indeed I think this week’s results turned out fine. But Lordy, there was so much lousy stuff (I know not by whom, since I name-check only the good stuff): really lame wordplay, sexist and xenophobic “humor,” and a number of old-saw jokes that people must have remembered from their Army days. But we did end up, as virtually always, with a muster-passing parade of inking entries. It might not be fun to judge a contest in which 95 percent of the entries rot, but as long as the remaining 5 percent can fill the page, the stinkitude of the 95 is entirely irrelevant. In fact, I’m game for a few more fictoid categories, if anyone wants to work up some examples. Meanwhile, today’s victory parade is headed up by someone with a distinct military connection: The helpmeet of Yet Again a Winner Danielle Nowlin is the genialLt. Ryan Nowlin , assistant director of the U.S. Marine Band. I don’t think, though, that had too much to do with her Inkin’ Memorial- (or Inker?-) winning entry, a zingy dig at Congress. Danielle’s entry was so well done that my Copy Editor Reflex didn’t even kick in to note that “Congressional Medal of Honor” isn’t the official name; it’s just “Medal of Honor.” But even I am not so pedantic that I’d knock it off the pedestal for that. Runners-up Nan Reiner and Chris Doyle have hung out in the Losers’ Circle too many times to mention, but wow, what a week for Larry McClemons of suburban Virginia, who really took to this contest: Besides his runner-up entry, he also blotted up three honorable mentions — more than doubling his previous ink total. However, it’s already the second “above the fold” ink for Larry since he started Inviting this year: His first was his debut ink, a runner-up in another fictoid contest. It was this edgy one for fake sports trivia: “After their tragic experience with Lou Gehrig, the New York Yankees passed on a chance to sign Brian Alzheimer.” Another cool McClemons factoid: Larry’s new total of seven inks still places him three shy of his son Steve’s. Nothing like a burning familial rivalry. *Laugh Out of Courtney: * Copy chief Courtney Rukan, a Northern Virginia resident, was partial to Nan Reiner’s first runner-up about Gen. McClellan’s ill-advised plan to get out of D.C. in that direction on a Friday evening. Also, as Courtney points out, “McClellan surely would have selected the wrong time and the wrong route:” Speaking of military history: Let’s go to Gettysburg on Aug. 16 It looks as if the Royal Consort and I can join the Losers’ annual trip to Gettysburg, Pa., about an hour and a half north of Washington. We’ve gone at least twice before, but this time, Loser/Tour Guide Roger Dalrymple is adding some stops in the town itself along with some battlefield edification — and of course a hearty lunch, this time atO’Rorke’s Eatery , where the field trip starts at noon. It would be great to be able to carpool; contact Elden Carnahan on the Losers’ “Our Social Engorgements” page to RSVP and to say whether you need or can offer a ride. Dress is ultra-casual; T-shirts bearing Confederate flags are not advised.